After 19 days of not posting, I’m still not sure what to write. Let’s start with all the mistakes.
I don’t think I have ever gone through a day without making a mistake. Sometimes I forget to go to important meetings and other times I just don’t understand whatever we do in economics. These aren’t life altering, but they can still put a black cloak over my eyes, keeping me from seeing any beauty that might be lurking in the mess I’ve made.
Summer is a good time to drink in whatever you don’t get with demanding schedules. New friends are made, many trips are taken, and you spend a bit above your budget. It feels invincible and infinite until you get back into a routine and realize how dried up you really are.
I miss those days, and the mistake I keep making is wanting to go back to them instead of forward. There are a few regrets from the summer, but far less than the regrets I have in my current position. I’m going into the fourth year of this season and all I want to do is run from it.
When talking about regrets from past mistakes, it’s not fair to judge the person you were then. You just didn’t know then what you know now. You must let it go and move forward, which is easier said than done. Still there are days I want to time travel back to put a muzzle on my mouth and handcuffs around my wrists.
At this point, it’s almost cliché to talk about messes and how they are a part of life, yet there is still a pressure to have it all together.
That’s when the need for control comes knocking at the door.
It’s like a knee jerk reaction. As soon as mistakes creep in or uncertainty falls like an umbrella, I like to control the relationship and the situation. But, taking control of these mistakes and situations doesn’t help.
In 2014, my first year of this season, there were two songs I always went back to. Sometimes I played them on repeat to remind myself to lose control and let go.
Lose Control ~ Colony House
When do I feel it in my bones? That kind of breathing whispering mysteries to my soul…After the ashes, when will the pieces come together?…I think it’s when I lose control. I know it’s when I lose control. But we can’t keep fighting for a steady life, so I’ll ride the wind like a feather toward home…with hope.
Letting Go ~ Ben Sollee
It’s a long, hard road through a rough-edged land to the softest part of a man. And it’s lined with stones tangled with regrets that are just too hard to forget…And you can loose yourself in the deep, muddy ruts worn through by the pride of a man…But, letting go…?…Forgiveness is a falling leaf in the changing of the years, as it settles down to the cooling ground
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go.
After 19 days of not posting, all I have is this picture of my legs taken by accident. It was a mistake, but it is also who I am. Day 20 is a day to lose control, let go, and find the beauty in the mess.