There are more shrugs than nods of the head in life. Time and time again I am learning that you have to lean into the uncertainty. You have to trust when everything seems to be crumbling apart.
Often I spend hours in solitude. Sometimes in hollow houses and sometimes in spaces where people pass by without blinking an eye at me. It is amazing. When you are alone, you notice so much more.
I just had such a day of solitude. In the morning I stayed in the hollow house and rolled out dough to the sound of my current music obsession. While the dough baked, I washed clothes at the speed of a turtle. When I am alone I don’t feel rushed. I feel whole. That is when I can hear God’s voice most clearly, because in those moments it is just me and him and the hollow house.
After a bit, I decided to move about in the public spaces with people passing by. I walked on a trail while hearing the buzz of the Cincinnati streets. I saw a funeral procession. I witnessed a wedding party taking pictures. I saw the beauty in the flowers on my dashboard, and I let my self drop my jaw at the simplicity of it all.
My alone is not the alone of the world. It is an alone that is not lonely.
Hildegard of Bingen said once in a prayer:
“You shine so finely,
It surpasses understanding.
God hugs you.
You are encircled by the arms
of the mystery of God.”
When I heard her prayer, it all made sense. The peace and joy that grows in the moments I am alone are because I am surrounded by the glorious arms of my Father. On this earth it seems like a mystery, but in heaven it is a certainty.
I can lean into the uncertainty knowing that I am leaning into God’s hug.